It Wasn't You

Listen

Yes, it happened. It is over. But it is the past. Cannot change it. Thinking back, feel that I should have read the signs better. I should have known better..

That is always the problem; always the case. We understand, realize, and believe --- yes, believe, that we would have done things differently. But...? That is not the actuality; frankly not real.

But then, we are human, aren't we?

How can we be sure that we would have done things differently if given a second chance?

That is a question that has no easy answers.

Easy answers? I guess that this particular one does not even have an answer. Talk of rhetorical questions!

Life does not give us a second chance, does it? As the Bond title proclaims "You Only Live Once". NO, am wrong. It actually says "You Only Live

Twice". But you don't. It is as simple as that. That is a stupid and fictitious title. A marketing gimmick!

Am I angry? Abusive? Bitter?

Guess I am.

I apologize to all Bondies; but somehow am a bit worked up.

No! Strike that off!

I am not really worked up. But am tired. Yes, very tired. And I don't have much time left. Someone is waiting, and cannot for once say "Let Them". How I wish I could?!

I just want to speak out about what had happened. It is not my version. After all, this is not a software program to have versions.

God! Am I jittery?

Anyway, let me tell what had happened. Unlike Alice, however, I cannot begin at the beginning. I do not know, or probably know, but do not want to acknowledge it.

Yes, I am jittery.

"Ready?"

"Just a minute". "Oh! You are eager I think. 'That is nice.

"See, the show starts in an hour, and we have a fair way to go." Your voice is complaining, almost a grumble. I wonder; very much wonder 'Why?

"Just give me a couple of minutes, will you? Need to sort out a few things. OK?"

"Ok", you breathe out, and add, "Will just get the car out of the garage".

"Yeah, do that. And yeah, thank you". I smile.

You do not smile back. You go out mumbling

under your breath, "Hope the car starts".

'What's bothering you? I realize that you are thinking about the cold. 'Yes, the battery. Why don't you change it? Or call in the mechanic? Fiddling with it, day in and day out?

I smile wickedly. 'But that is a good thing. Not

calling in the mechanic. Wonder what he would make of it? He would notice. Immediately. He would. That is his job! I break into a grin. I cannot help it. 'Or was it a snicker?

The car stops outside the door. 'Oh! So it is working. Good.

I make to the car, shutting the door carefully after me. You look preoccupied.

"A penny for your thoughts!"

"Eh?"

"I said, 'A penny for your thoughts!"

"Oh!" you laugh. It is a nice ringing laugh; but it

sounds forced.

I give up. You do not seem to want to have a conversation.

It is a windy day. 'Perfect, I think. 'Just Perfect!

You start the car. I notice that you are more pensive today than usual. You are lost in your thoughts, whatever they are. 'Wonder what they are?

You too seem to be thinking about something - something important. 'Are you also planning something?

I take a CD from the glove box, and put it in. It is an album that you love.

"Don't do that!"

"Eh? What?" I ask, startled, as I switch on the play

button. "No, don't switch it on. The battery is weak". You

switch it off.

"It is ok. Nothing will happen". I switch it back on.

As if on cue, the engine splutters and grinds to a halt. You give me a glare.

"Sorry" I mumble.

"We will miss the show."

"Hey, Come on! I said 'sorry'. Didn't realize that the damn battery was so low."

"I told you."

"Give me a break!" I shrug. "Anyway, we aren't too far off. Just a couple of blocks away. We can just walk it".

"Yeah". You do not sound enthusiastic. I can understand. 'You aren't much of a walker, are you? I think heartlessly.

The wind is steadily on the increase; and as we are on a dusty path, billowing sand gets in our eyes. 'Hope it gets into your nose as well. I check myself from smiling. 'Not a good idea to get you angry. Though guess you already are, aren't you? Yes, you can never bear a minor hiccup. Wonder how I put up with you for so long. Yes, it is a wonder!

We keep walking. It is not exactly two blocks.

"Sure you know where it is?"

I look at you. You are already tiring. "Yeah, of course. Just a bit further, now".

You try to catch up with me, but am walking too quickly for you. I know it, and get a kick out of it. 'Perfect! I cannot help thinking again.

The sweat stands on your brow, and you are gasping. I love it; and keep walking - quicker

than ever.

You call out. I act deaf, and keep going. 'Yeah, you are almost out. Just a block more, and...

I almost burst into hysterical laughter thinking of that.

"Ho... How far?"

I do not deign to reply.

We walk on. I walk faster than I ever walked before, and you follow, gasping and coughing.

As I turn a block, I notice out of the corner of my eye that you are down on your knees, and calling out. I do not have to act deaf anymore; as though you are calling out, the words hardly reach me.

I turn around and smile. As I see the horror on your face, I finally burst into hysterical laughter.

"What happened?"

"You...you were screaming in your sleep... laughing. Had to wake you." He paused, and

then asked the question that I had put: "I mean... what happened?"

He sounded worried. But somehow, I did not like it. I do not know why, but I could not bring myself to tell him.

"Eh? Nothing. Just....just a dream".

"You sound rattled", he pointed out.

"No, it is ok", I insisted, and added rather unnecessarily, "I am fine".

"Sure?"

"Stop acting like my nanny", I blurted out. I was irritated. He turned away, and I felt his wan look.

"I am sorry", I said in a low voice. "I did not mean to be...I guess that was...I... I am sorry".

"It is okay", he mumbled, and then called over his shoulder, "If you still want to go for the show, better get ready. It is getting late, you know".

"Yeah. Did not realize that I slept for that long. Will be ready in a jiffy", I said, and wondered

vaguely, 'Wasn't it a little afternoon nap. Must have been very tired!'

I did not like it. 'Why does he have to make me feel guilty? I said am sorry. Did he need to be so nasty?'I thought. At that moment I hated him. 'God, if he goes on like this, wouldn't mind killing him!

I dropped the soap. I remembered the dream. 'How could I? What a dream! I involuntarily shuddered. 'Why did I have that dream? It isn't as if I wish to murder my husband. Do I? Am I a killer? Am I sure that I don't want to? What a question?!! Of course, yes. Yes, I don't want to. I don't have any reason to kill him. I love him. Yes, I love him. I do. It isn't a subconscious desire or whatever.'

But then, why?

I do not know.

Somehow the dream troubled me more than I was willing to acknowledge. It troubled me more than dreams generally do. Probably due to remembering it more clearly than usual. 'How come I remember it so clearly?

I shook myself up. This is morbid. 'Morbid --

what a word!

But that was how I felt.

As I dressed up, I again started thinking about the dream, and wondered if something had happened that day, 'or the previous day for that matter, to get me this weird dream. That is how Freud explains dreams. I was surprised to realize that I was thinking of Freud; but now realize that we generally go for either religion or pscyhoanalysis when we cannot understand something. I am too much of an atheist; though occasionally do take the god's name - for cursing!

So, science.

I remembered from my college days that Freud calls it the day's residue, or something that sounded like that. 'But then what happened for me to have that dream?

I cannot think of anything, except that I did see my husband fiddling with the car today. 'Or was it yesterday?

Everything is muddled.

He said that he was "sprucing it up", as if it is a

Christmas tree. I laughed as I thought of it. But he does that every month, as it allegedly relaxed him. Washing it, dusting the carpets, changing the engine oil... Wonder what relaxation it gives?!! Sprucing, indeed!

I could not make anything of this weird dream, however much I tried. I just came away with the conviction that I did not want to murder him, as I did not have any reason to. He was not adulterous, and loved me as much as I loved him, 'if not more. I was not going to gain anything by killing him. I was not jealous or possessive. "Who am I kidding?

I guess I would hit the roof if he told me that he was in love with someone else.

But he was not.

'Or was he? What was it that his drunken colleague was saying the other day at the party? That he was interested in one of his students. Was that guy speaking the truth?? Is my husband in love with...

I brushed my hair vigorously. That is ridiculous, I thought. 'Thinking all weird stuff because of a weird dream. I laughed nervously. "The dream anyway doesn't make sense. He isn't asthmatic

or a heart patient'

"Ready?"

I looked up, startled.

"Didn't mean to surprise you," he smiled. "But you were taking such a hell of a long time that I..."

"Yeah....yeah. Of course. Let's go."

It was a stormy night. I could not shake off the dream, and kept going over it again and again. But he too was thinking of something, and did not seem to notice that I was not my usual bubbly self, talking nineteen to the dozen.

"A penny for your thoughts!"

I turned around, slightly shaken by the words, and wondering if I had heard correctly. "Eh?"

"I said, 'A penny for your thoughts!"

The phrase, though a favorite of his, seemed almost ominous to me, because of the dream. 'But that is idiotic! Can't keep jumping at everything, because of a dream!

I decided to put on a playful CD, inspite of, or probably because of, what had happened in the dream.

I opened the glove box, and selected one of them. He saw what I was doing, and nodded appreciatively, "Yeah! Thank you. That is a good idea. Was thinking of suggesting it. You still seem sleepy".

We were in a mountainous road, which we needed to pass through to get to the next city, where the show was. It was then that the car started acting funny. There was apparently something wrong with the engine. It spluttered, and finally gave up the moment we reached the top of the cliff. The rain, meanwhile, was coming steadily down.

He swore under his breath. "The battery. Had to give up now!"

I winced. "What shall we do?"

He looked at me appraisingly, and said, "Lock the car and walk".

I choked visibly.

He grinned boyishly, and said, "No, was just

joking. Of course, can't walk in this rain. Come! You take over the driving. Will give it a push, and hope the engine catches. Thankfully, it stopped here. Just think if it had stopped while we were going up the mountain!"

He got off the car, and as I moved into the driver's seat, I could not help pointing out "But you'll get drenched".

He did not reply, but just leaned in, and took out his raincoat, which was in the back seat. He pulled it on.

'Why did he bring that along? Was he prepared for this? I thought.

I shrugged. He started pushing the car, just as I turned the ignition key.

A couple of paces, and the engine roared to life, and the car jumped forward uncontrollably. I stamped on the brakes. Nothing happened. I pressed it down again and again. 'Oh! Will just pull it off the road

It was then that I realized that there was something wrong about the steering wheel. It did not move. The car had gained considerable speed.

I panicked.

"HELP!!" I cried out, and glanced at the rear view mirror. I saw him standing with a satisfied smile, and realized with a shock, as the car went off the cliff, the truth about the dream.

'I was You.